Horoscope

Daily Flirt:

Your mental juices are flowing freely and you will feel engaged with some kind of new stimulation. Sweet memories might start to bubble up from old times, giving the day a nice flavor.

Daily Couples:

Dwelling on your sweetheart's supposed imperfections blows them out of proportion -- and that goes for yourself, too. Besides, being flawless is boring. Train yourself to appreciate the quirks of someone's personality.

Daily Singles:

As eager as you are to move forward, you need to expect delays for a little while longer. Though it's hard when your romantic life is at stake, try not to take it too personally -- it's all about timing now.

I am not happy about the delay part, but I know it's necessary. I have to remember not to push it, but to let it happen on it's own.
 

“Battering the gates of heaven with the storms of prayer.” Alfred Lord Tennyson

It must be working. I only cried a little yesterday. Today, I haven't cried at all! Praise God!

The storm will soon be over!

God can see you struggling.. He can see your faithfulness, and soon the storm will be over.

Faith in Christ

‎"If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you." -JESUS in Matthew 17:20.

I am glad to have Christ in my life. I am trying to have more faith.

Life is a Fork in the Road

Awareness unlocks our potential. As our awareness grows so we grow. Whether we face a major crisis, need to grow in a new way or just want to make things better, new awareness can help us unlock our inner wisdom. Expand your awareness so you can see through new windows and find new forks to consider. Look back over your life to discover patterns you might have missed that could offer a key to the puzzle.

‎"Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men." -JESUS in Matthew 16:23.

Depression hurts

I so hate depression. I hate also, not being on my meds. But, when you can't afford them, what do you do?

I miss not having a home of my own. I miss my family, meaning James, Chris and Celia. I love Maranda and the girls, but we have never been close.

The evenings are the hardest. There isn't anyone to talk to or be with, just my thoughts, and they lead to the past and the regrets of the past.

Forgiveness

Our talks Sunday in church centered around forgiveness. I am angry with Ray for not being honest and telling me he was married. I am angry with LaVerna for not telling me as well. I had told her I couldn't forgive Ray, but I was able to let go of the hurt and anger before sacrament and to ask the Lord's forgiveness for my bad feelings.

I called mom last night and told her I was able to forgive Ray. Now, I just have to move on. Now I just have to let all of the old hurts and disappointments go.

I am praying that if it's God's will he will bring someone worthy into my life. I don't like being alone.

Pioneer Day Parade

Both Hayley and April are in the Pioneer Day Parade. We are going to watch it tonight.

Bob died

Bob died on July 17, 2010 from lung cancer and complications due to pneumonia.

Eclipse

Wendy, April and I went to see Eclipse. It was a very good movie. After the stress of the past week, it was good to get out of the house and relax a bit.

It has been a hard week

Bob is not doing well at all. He does have lung cancer. They put in an umbrella stint to try and catch any more clots; hopefully prevent them from going into the lungs or the the heart. Last night he had a mild heart attack. Today his kidneys are shutting down. Mom didn't go into detail about what she and Lynda decided about taking him off of the ventilator. Mom was so tired when she called that she said she was unplugging everything, going to watch her movie and going to bed.

Painful heart

"Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it again." but, how long does it take to find love again?  I like my independence. It's the loneliness I don't like.

My home teacher asked me the other night if I thought I would get married again. I told him if it's the Lord's will, I will.

I have to learn not to be so selfish and self-centered, but being Bi-Polar, that's what we are.

I wish I knew why it's easier to feel hurt, hate and anger than love? I guess the stronger emotions are easier to feel, but you can't live with the extremes forever. I would like not to feel so numb or so pain filled all the time. How to find a happy medium...

Genealogy

I have found the list of information I was looking for: RootsWeb.com
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=GET&db=:2470689&id=I135
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=PED&db=:2470689&id=I135
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=REG&db=:2470689&id=I134
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=GET&db=:2470689&id=I137
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=Search&includedb=&lang=en&ti=&surname=hughes&stype=Exact&given=thomas&bplace=odessa%2C+tx&byear=&brange=0&dplace=&dyear=&drange=0&mplace=&myear=&mrange=0&father=&mother=&spouse=&skipdb=&period=All&submit.x=Search

Going to the Temple to do Sealings

Several of us from my new ward are going to the Bountiful Temple to do sealings.

Thinking about things I have given up

I was looking at a composter on Facebook and it got me to remembering my garden in Taylorsville. I really miss my garden! We had a cool composter we bought from one of the garden shows. I also made a worm box that helped with the composting.

This is some sage I grew

At least I have Wendy's dad's roses to take care of!  Here's a picture of one of the roses.

Babysitting

I have the girls today. Little Bit is not happy with anything! I am hoping we can get her down for a nap early today.

Little Bit must have been tired. She had a really rough day today. I got her changed and we sat down to read in the girls' room at 11:30AM. She was asleep by noon. She slept till 2PM. She was in a much better mood when she woke up.

We began reading "The Wizard of Oz". Did you know in the book the Wicked Witch wore SILVER shoes, not ruby slippers? Really! I read it!

Momma was still not sounding good when she got off work and picked the girls up. We may not make it to Provo to go pick up my mail tomorrow. I have asked her mom if maybe she could take me and run by the apartment to pick up a few things. We'll see how it goes.

Blu is going to the Bomb Squad!

Yesterday was a  hard day. I have really missed Blu all day. I finally called South Davis Animal Shelter and asked how he is doing. He is doing fine they said, which made me feel kind of sad, but at the same time I was glad he wasn't too stressed out. I was told he is going to be a bomb dog. That made me feel really good. He needs a job to do.

My Journey

I am not going to use my family's real names. They deserve some privacy. But, I am also not going to hide from the past. In order for me to heal myself and them, or at least as much as I am able, I am going to have to be brutally honest. I need this blog to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I need this blog to deal with my feelings.

This is not a fairy tale story. It is a nightmare. This is not about me. It's about how mental illness has killed a family, ruined people's lives, and hopefully, how I can turn some of the evil around.

I owe my family a lot. Not my mom, not my dad....but my ex-husband and my two children.

I have lied, cheated, abused and killed my relationships. In the past. I have re-gained the love of one of my children, Tex. I have his wife and daughter in my life. I have reconnected with my youngest son, Lone Wolf.

I am not writing this blog to curry favor, ask for forgiveness or to "air my dirty laundry", or to ask for pity.  I am doing this as a way of exorcising demons, of dealing with the pain of loneliness and the pain and stigma of mental illness.

Tomorrow would be 31 years that the senior Lone Wolf and I would have been married. Papaw, I miss you.  We had some very hard years, but some of the best years of my life. I wish I could turn the clock back and do it all over, unfortunately, there aren't always "do overs."

You may, or may not, be wondering how did I get to the point of writing a blog. 

Since I don't have medical insurance, I can't afford my psyche meds. I don't qualify for the low income programs in Davis County. So, can't afford meds, usually means you go nuts. I am determined i am not going nuts. 

I am using a book "When Panic Attacks" by David D. Burns, M.D. In it, it discusses the fact that thoughts create certain feelings. I have lived inside of my head for so long. I have to get the thoughts out, or they are going to drive me crazy, literally. So this is going to be my therapy.

I learned that the brain is a "literal machine." The brain can only do what you tell it; ex: "I hate exercise." So, whether or not you really hate exercise your brain has no choice but to believe you really hate exercise. I did an experiment with this when I was in my Criminal Justice Program at Provo College. So, every night before I went to bed, I would tell myself ten times, "I love my exercise, I love my exercise." After a while, not overnight by any means, I finally got to where I looked forward to my exercise everyday.

Now, I tell myself "I am happy and mentally stable." Thanks Ethan for that! I still have ups and downs, but I am managing them. Now, let's see how this journey is going to progress, shall we?

I got sick last week; had the upset stomach and headache for several days. I realized I couldn't take care of Blu if I was to remain sick. He wasn't eating, I wasn't able to take him out even to go potty. I made the hardest decision in my life; I had to give him up. Today has been a very hard day. It's been the hardest day of my life so far, since Blu went to the shelter last Friday. I have decided I will probably never have another pet. It's just too hard for them to grab onto your life, heart, soul; and then to have to let them go.

Blu, you have left a very big hole in my heart. I pray you find a happy, forever home. I love you big guy!

Roses

Today I started pruning Wendy's rose bushes. It's a lot of work, and it's a hot day. Here is a picture of one of the roses. This is off of the bush by the back door.

Hayley's 5th Birthday

Today is Hayley's 5th birthday! I am so happy for her. We are having a party at her new house.
This is a picture of Hayley and Amorette in the van. We had been shopping. She doesn't know it, but I have her birthday present hidden under the dog food ;)

Blu almost had venison for dinner

Blu and I had gone for our run down by the hospital. I saw something take off running as we were walking. It was a good thing Blu was on his lead, else he may have had the doe for dinner!

I was also glad I had him on his lead tonight, because a lady was walking her 3 dogs and they weren't on lead. I think Blu would have had them for lunch also!

Sunday, Sunny Summer

Today was such a warm day. It was nice and sunny. The wind has been blowing for a couple of days.

Blu did much better today as I exercised him several times today. I took him out and played ball with him before I went to church. I also put everything away in my room that I thought he would get a hold of, so he wouldn't chew it. Yesterday he took the pillow off of my bed and chewed it up. He also had taken some of my clothes out of the hamper and had them in the hallway. He didn't chew on anything, or pull anything out. I made sure my closet was closed and so was the bathroom door.

Church was good also.

Day with the girls

I am watching Hayley and Amorette for Maranda while she is at work. They got here bright and early at 7AM. Considering I am not a morning person, I was awake before my alarm went off! That's amazing for me :). Amorette is a little fussy, but she hasn't been around me a lot the past couple of years. It's an adjustment time for her. Hayley complained of her finger hurting, but we can't find anything wrong with it. She put some hand sanitizer on it and said it felt a little better.
LATER:
We had a really great time today. Both of the girls ate really well. I was able to take a pic of Hayley, Amorette and Blu together. Now, I have to figure out how to post them from my phone...:(
Of course, I am looking into just getting a new digital camera. That will make my life so much better. :)

Fun Day

Tonight was our Ward picnic. I took macaroni salad. I called a neighbor and asked for a ride to the picnic and also if they could take me a little early so we could stop at the store. It turned out they needed to stop at the store also, so it worked out! The picnic was fun and I got to see some of the people I had met on Sunday. I also met a couple of new people.

Quiet House

Maranda and the girls gathered a lot of their things and moved them to the new house. There are still odds and ends left here. I will put them into the girls' room so they can get them when they get back from vacation.

They spent the night at the new house last night. I am not sure what time they took off, but they were planning on leaving at about 4AM today to drive to Kansas for a wedding.


Grandpa's aide came to give him his shower today.