Depression hurts

I so hate depression. I hate also, not being on my meds. But, when you can't afford them, what do you do?

I miss not having a home of my own. I miss my family, meaning James, Chris and Celia. I love Maranda and the girls, but we have never been close.

The evenings are the hardest. There isn't anyone to talk to or be with, just my thoughts, and they lead to the past and the regrets of the past.

Forgiveness

Our talks Sunday in church centered around forgiveness. I am angry with Ray for not being honest and telling me he was married. I am angry with LaVerna for not telling me as well. I had told her I couldn't forgive Ray, but I was able to let go of the hurt and anger before sacrament and to ask the Lord's forgiveness for my bad feelings.

I called mom last night and told her I was able to forgive Ray. Now, I just have to move on. Now I just have to let all of the old hurts and disappointments go.

I am praying that if it's God's will he will bring someone worthy into my life. I don't like being alone.

Pioneer Day Parade

Both Hayley and April are in the Pioneer Day Parade. We are going to watch it tonight.

Bob died

Bob died on July 17, 2010 from lung cancer and complications due to pneumonia.

Eclipse

Wendy, April and I went to see Eclipse. It was a very good movie. After the stress of the past week, it was good to get out of the house and relax a bit.

It has been a hard week

Bob is not doing well at all. He does have lung cancer. They put in an umbrella stint to try and catch any more clots; hopefully prevent them from going into the lungs or the the heart. Last night he had a mild heart attack. Today his kidneys are shutting down. Mom didn't go into detail about what she and Lynda decided about taking him off of the ventilator. Mom was so tired when she called that she said she was unplugging everything, going to watch her movie and going to bed.

Painful heart

"Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it again." but, how long does it take to find love again?  I like my independence. It's the loneliness I don't like.

My home teacher asked me the other night if I thought I would get married again. I told him if it's the Lord's will, I will.

I have to learn not to be so selfish and self-centered, but being Bi-Polar, that's what we are.

I wish I knew why it's easier to feel hurt, hate and anger than love? I guess the stronger emotions are easier to feel, but you can't live with the extremes forever. I would like not to feel so numb or so pain filled all the time. How to find a happy medium...

Genealogy

I have found the list of information I was looking for: RootsWeb.com
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=GET&db=:2470689&id=I135
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=PED&db=:2470689&id=I135
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=REG&db=:2470689&id=I134
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=GET&db=:2470689&id=I137
http://wc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/igm.cgi?op=Search&includedb=&lang=en&ti=&surname=hughes&stype=Exact&given=thomas&bplace=odessa%2C+tx&byear=&brange=0&dplace=&dyear=&drange=0&mplace=&myear=&mrange=0&father=&mother=&spouse=&skipdb=&period=All&submit.x=Search

Going to the Temple to do Sealings

Several of us from my new ward are going to the Bountiful Temple to do sealings.

Thinking about things I have given up

I was looking at a composter on Facebook and it got me to remembering my garden in Taylorsville. I really miss my garden! We had a cool composter we bought from one of the garden shows. I also made a worm box that helped with the composting.

This is some sage I grew

At least I have Wendy's dad's roses to take care of!  Here's a picture of one of the roses.

Babysitting

I have the girls today. Little Bit is not happy with anything! I am hoping we can get her down for a nap early today.

Little Bit must have been tired. She had a really rough day today. I got her changed and we sat down to read in the girls' room at 11:30AM. She was asleep by noon. She slept till 2PM. She was in a much better mood when she woke up.

We began reading "The Wizard of Oz". Did you know in the book the Wicked Witch wore SILVER shoes, not ruby slippers? Really! I read it!

Momma was still not sounding good when she got off work and picked the girls up. We may not make it to Provo to go pick up my mail tomorrow. I have asked her mom if maybe she could take me and run by the apartment to pick up a few things. We'll see how it goes.

Blu is going to the Bomb Squad!

Yesterday was a  hard day. I have really missed Blu all day. I finally called South Davis Animal Shelter and asked how he is doing. He is doing fine they said, which made me feel kind of sad, but at the same time I was glad he wasn't too stressed out. I was told he is going to be a bomb dog. That made me feel really good. He needs a job to do.

My Journey

I am not going to use my family's real names. They deserve some privacy. But, I am also not going to hide from the past. In order for me to heal myself and them, or at least as much as I am able, I am going to have to be brutally honest. I need this blog to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I need this blog to deal with my feelings.

This is not a fairy tale story. It is a nightmare. This is not about me. It's about how mental illness has killed a family, ruined people's lives, and hopefully, how I can turn some of the evil around.

I owe my family a lot. Not my mom, not my dad....but my ex-husband and my two children.

I have lied, cheated, abused and killed my relationships. In the past. I have re-gained the love of one of my children, Tex. I have his wife and daughter in my life. I have reconnected with my youngest son, Lone Wolf.

I am not writing this blog to curry favor, ask for forgiveness or to "air my dirty laundry", or to ask for pity.  I am doing this as a way of exorcising demons, of dealing with the pain of loneliness and the pain and stigma of mental illness.

Tomorrow would be 31 years that the senior Lone Wolf and I would have been married. Papaw, I miss you.  We had some very hard years, but some of the best years of my life. I wish I could turn the clock back and do it all over, unfortunately, there aren't always "do overs."

You may, or may not, be wondering how did I get to the point of writing a blog. 

Since I don't have medical insurance, I can't afford my psyche meds. I don't qualify for the low income programs in Davis County. So, can't afford meds, usually means you go nuts. I am determined i am not going nuts. 

I am using a book "When Panic Attacks" by David D. Burns, M.D. In it, it discusses the fact that thoughts create certain feelings. I have lived inside of my head for so long. I have to get the thoughts out, or they are going to drive me crazy, literally. So this is going to be my therapy.

I learned that the brain is a "literal machine." The brain can only do what you tell it; ex: "I hate exercise." So, whether or not you really hate exercise your brain has no choice but to believe you really hate exercise. I did an experiment with this when I was in my Criminal Justice Program at Provo College. So, every night before I went to bed, I would tell myself ten times, "I love my exercise, I love my exercise." After a while, not overnight by any means, I finally got to where I looked forward to my exercise everyday.

Now, I tell myself "I am happy and mentally stable." Thanks Ethan for that! I still have ups and downs, but I am managing them. Now, let's see how this journey is going to progress, shall we?

I got sick last week; had the upset stomach and headache for several days. I realized I couldn't take care of Blu if I was to remain sick. He wasn't eating, I wasn't able to take him out even to go potty. I made the hardest decision in my life; I had to give him up. Today has been a very hard day. It's been the hardest day of my life so far, since Blu went to the shelter last Friday. I have decided I will probably never have another pet. It's just too hard for them to grab onto your life, heart, soul; and then to have to let them go.

Blu, you have left a very big hole in my heart. I pray you find a happy, forever home. I love you big guy!